Last night I rocked my sweet girl to bed knowing that when I lay her down, it would be my last time putting a baby to sleep. This morning she woke up a WHOLE year older. I cried like a baby as I sang our song. I twirled her one tiny stand of hair in between my fingers and sat there quietly as she nursed. All I could think about was the moments I was pregnant with her. I was in Grad school and had no clue how I was going to juggle everything that was about to come my way. I woke up in the middle of the night in feb of 2019.. I sat in her rocking chair at our old house..and I started to cry with fear and anxiety.
We waited to find out the gender with leona so I had no idea who she was. Its a decision I still stand by to this day, but in the moment I started to doubt whether or not waiting was the right thing. There was so much ambiguity in my future, that fear and doubt started to manifest every part of my life.
My due date was quickly approaching and fear being the liar that it is, started to tell me I didn't do enough to bond with my baby. For those that have never had babies, this may be a hard thing to understand. Bonding with your newborn can be challenging and difficult in the beginning and can leave mothers with a great deal of frustration, sadness, and even depression. Its something that I do believe comes naturally, but not easily. Motherhood is work. It requires so much dedication and persistence.
I tossed and turned in bed sickened with worry until I could feel something telling me to get up and tackle my fears head on. Thats when I went into Leonas room, sat in her chair, and with tears in my eyes, I began to write. I wrote to a baby I didn't know but knew I loved deeply. Releasing my anguish onto paper was enlightening. It healed me in that moment and gave me confirmation in my decision to not find out.
By choosing not to find out, we chose to not look at her on the ultrasound screen. We chose not to name her or dream about her personality and characteristics. In the midst of so much ambiguity surrounding our future, we gave up the one thing we could know; the one thing we could actually plan for. We gave up buying cute clothes in advance, having fancy showers, decorating her nursery. We gave up a little bit of certainty and added it to our ocean of uncertainty. Everyone thought we were crazy.
But what we got in return was so much more. Every day of my pregnancy with my darling Leona, I lived in complete surrender to the Lord. Every day I gave everything I had over to Him and watched as He sustained us. Leona came swiftly and peacefully on a cold Friday afternoon in February. She came exactly when I prayed so I was able to go back to class on time. Her delivery went perfect and she was born healthy and happy. I graduated on time and today we celebrate the most precious life- My daughter.
"ITS A GIRL!"
When my husband yelled those words, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I was living in a dream the first week of having her home. My daughter! She was perfect in every way. My pregnancy with her taught me so much. There is still so much uncertainty about our future, but instead of fearing it, I have learned to embrace it. I continue to learn and grow in the midst of ambiguity and let each step mold me and my family into the people God wants us to be.
My sweet Leona, only one year young and you have already taught me so much. I am honored to be your mother and feel privileged to continue to learn about who you are. I look forward to this next year of life with you and discovering all things that makes my Leona who she is. I pray for you, sweet girl. You are wonderfully and perfectly made and adored by so many. Happy Happy Birthday my little Leona Grace.
-MOM
Leonas Home Birth Video
