It’s 7:45 PM. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve nursed Eleanor since coming home but I do it one more time after her evening bath. At this point it’s more of a night time ritual.. a hopeful prerequisite for good sleep. The older I get, the more sleep I need but the more it evades me. Surviving on Gods good grace, I hold her little body while marveling at her little toes and all the things that make her so uniquely her including the strawberry birthmark on her back.
We longed for her. For three long years we struggled to have another baby and now she’s here; our little rainbow baby, Eleanor. Despite this, postpartum anxiety has still been ever so present with fear like a roaming lion waiting for its opportunity to take me. Life feels really hard most days but Jesus… oh my sweet Savior.. has never felt so near. As I read through Matthew and the sermon on the Mount, the beatitudes speak to me; reminding me that the Lord blesses these seasons. I can feel the lion and I know he’s there but when I fold, He surrounds me. When the lion roars, He whispers. His truth is a shield protecting me from the one who doesn’t want me but only wishes to keep me from Him. Im forever grateful for my Heavenly Father.
Motherhood is my battlefield. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose but I can always claim victory in His name because according to John 16:33, He has already overcome the world. How I long for the day when we are given our new bodies and our new minds so that I can spend eternity enjoying His presence and all His blessing with no fear. The roaming lion will be gone.
For now I rock my babies and pour every ounce I have into being the best I can be. With tired eyes and a body that gets weaker by the day, I proudly claim His name and declare His goodness despite the never ending hardships this world brings. He is good and all is well with my soul. Thank you Lord for peace that defies all understanding.
