Pumpkin patch 2020

This post has been sitting in my drafts and I’m on a mission to complete all my drafts since they contain precious memories that I want documented forever. Looking back at these photos give me such mixed feelings. At first, i see two babies that have grown immensely in one short year. My heart feels warm and I get that.. “ahh my babies were so little” feeling. But then I look at them closer and see something so much deeper. Something darker that almost makes me not want to post. Maybe that’s why it sat in my draft. I didn’t have the happy post I always try to keep on this space. Maybe I had no words at all. But time does heal wounds and I’m ready to share. 

What I remember about this day: 

Calvin had been in quarantine for 14 days starting the first of October. It was honestly a horrible 14 days with a lot of stress. We had no idea where he contracted COVID but we were so thankful none of us had gotten it. As soon as he came out of quarantine, the first thing we did was visit the pumpkin patch- a family tradition of ours! Leona, so sweet and innocent and little had not a clue of what was happening in the world but still not smiling that much. Rob. My sweet poor rob had just spent 14 days in misery. COVID, virtual learning, his dad being sick and away from us for 14 days, and all the other bad news happening in the world sent him over the edge. He suffered his first panic attack during this quarantine and it was one of the scariest/hardest moments of my life as a mom. We had no where to go and nobody to help us as we were stuck in our house for 14 days. Looking back at these photos, i can see it. I can see the pain and anxiety with his forced smile and tense posture. I want to go back in time and hold him tightly. It honestly hurts looking at these photos. I didn’t see it at the time because sometimes when you are in the thick of it, your just glad to be alive and that’s the best way I could describe this time. We were alive and going through the motions of some of our favorite holiday traditions to obtain some normalcy but inside we were not the same. Inside, we were just making it. And that’s ok. 

We were so blessed. COVID had not hit our home the way it has others, but humans are so much more than our physical bodies. We are mind, body, and spirit. Although our bodies were whole, our hearts and mind were fragmented. I’m happy to say we have seen such happier times since this but it’s so important to look back and recognize hard times for what they are. I’m proud of all we have accomplished and continue to accomplish as we navigate these unusual times. I pray for Gods continued mercy and grace going forward and thank him for the many blessings he has granted us since this day!